Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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