My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
