for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
