I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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