Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Couch. On fire.
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