so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize