sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
