my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
