The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
