he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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