My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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