He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
