So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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