Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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