dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
