Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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