That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
