i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
