We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
