He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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