Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
