I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
