you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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