so let's talk penis.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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