it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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