I think I am morally bankrupt
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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