I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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