Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
