Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
being pregnant is like rehab
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
