Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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