Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
