I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
