Just fell off a train. Bad.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
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