It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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