Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
