i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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