Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
