My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
