i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
