Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
