Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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