Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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