you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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