Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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