my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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