hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
