hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
