Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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