in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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