I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
