So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
