I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
