Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
