i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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