I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
