Where are you?
In a non slutty way
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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