Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
