I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
