all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
