My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
