I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
